A question unasked

So I finally got my divorce certificate last month. Yay, hurray, done! Now anyone who knows me also knows I have been leery about the idea of being married again. But then you same people also know just how in love and devoted to Mr. O I am. I won't go on in ridiculous drivel but let's just say I'm still trying to figure out how I won the relationship lottery.

So what's the problem you may ask? What trouble is sullying paradise? Why is she asking these ridiculous questions? Well you're going to laugh...

I'm upset he hasn't proposed yet.

Yes, you read that right, I'm acting like an emo teen who hasn't got the attention of the boy she hides from, because Mr. O hasn't got down on one knee and asked me to get hitched.

We discuss marriage, he knows I'm not going to say no (well probably not), hell he even tried to ask my older brother for his blessing but got nervous and didn't. And of course I'm reading all sorts of stupid crap into this. He doesn't love me enough, he feels he doesn't have to, I'm not good enough. As I say CRAP that my gremlins like to sling at me like monkeys and their poo.

I mean I don't even want a big wedding. I want a fluffy dress, a few close friends and a BBQ, I don't even want my family within a 50 mile radius.

So someone please explain to me why this matters after all we have been through together?

Holding My Breath

So 3 weeks ago the divorce papers were re-filed with the court. The ex contested divorce based on wanting to pay less child support. The kicker? He ended up paying more. He finagled it by telling my lawyer he had to take 6 weeks off after his heart surgery so he could pay the same as before. I didn't question it because the last time he had heart surgery that was he recovery time. I called him a week later and he as at work :P Frankly I'm more worried about him dropping dead than I care about the child support. I do not want my daughter losing her father and frankly I don't want to lose him either. We may be an awful married couple and I may have a hard time liking him some days I but do still care about him.

What I do hate is I'm going on 3 years of limbo. Three years of wanting to say my name, not his when people ask for my full name. I never wanted to change it but I did to make him happy. I'm planning on hypenating my daughter's name so she can be connected to both of us. I'm hoping he doesn't come up with some reason to contest it again. It's already costing 3 times what it should have and I've had to cancel our family vacation this year because of it.

I still struggle with my daughter, I can't tell her I left her father because he smokes enough pot to supply a hippy sit in at Berkley and never respected me and would throw a fit if he didn't get his way. I can't tell her he refused to change her diaper for 4 months, that he never wanted to hold her or play with her, that it took me leaving for him to give a rats ass about her. So I tell her we couldn't stop fighting and we didn't respect each other enough to listen anymore.

I love you my Starlet and so does your Daddy. I'm sorry I had to walk away.

Silly Things in My Eye

I have been participating for the last year and a half in a 365 photo project Envisage 365 and will be joining the sister project Photographic State as it starts it's second year. My dear best friend and partner is also participating. I am looking forward to seeing the world through his eyes more. Envisage introduced me to a wickedly fabulous group of women and I have to say I haven't connected to a group of people like this in a long time. Especially a group of WOMEN. Sadly in the same group I have had to let some relationships go. I have been accused of not giving said person a chance, but as selfish as this may sound I put my feelings first. I watched the fall out from this and the childishness and the viciousness that erupted and decided "No I am not trying to fix this, I am letting it go." And trust me I did not behave in a manner suiting an adult either but I'm cognoscente of this at least. Once upon a time I would of done all manner of placating and apologizing and attempts to "fix" things. This time I took a deep breath and said "I am stepping back and I am doing what feels right for me, not the nice thing." And frankly? It felt freeing. So now I go forward with the misfit gang and wait to see what emerges.

My New Years Resolutions... Day 1

So here is the list and laughably so far one has already blown up in my face:

1) Be more active. (yeah who doesn't have this one?)
2) Be nicer to my best friend and stop enabling
3) Stop reminding/checking up/helping my ex with the things in our daughter's life (I kept to it today and he forgot her snowpants, school "pet" and her favourite doll. I used this an oppotunity to teach her it's up to her to remember her stuff so not a complete fail)
4) Blog once a week
5) Make Saturday my day to update my photos

Let's see how this goes...