Technically a Mommy Blogger

So I guess I'm technically a mommy blogger... though considering I have a following of 1, I'm actually just talking to myself most of the time. I want to write, but the question is who am I writing for? Most "mommy" types would be horrified by me and my life... heck I'm not even a mommy, I'm a mummy. (Long story of British upbringing that would have you face down snoring on the keyboard before I got to the second sentence) I loathe the whole eco-mom superiority complex, and though I do try to be eco minded. I find the helicopter parenting of my 5 year old daughter's classmates horrifying. I mean I'm the mum who lets her face plant off the climbling structure and tells her to "walk it off". I make her do her own class projects rather than producing the wicked master pieces I see in her class that I will boldly tell you were done by no five year old I ever met, unless you know 5 year olds who can mix plaster of paris to the right consistancy and not poison themselves in the process. See? I'm a cynical lady who volunteers just the right amount of time at school not to get in trouble with school council, because the other mothers scare me. I know most of the "Super Mommy" routine is smoke and mirrors and they are flying by the seat of their pants as much as I am but find it too much work to do my own song and dance routine.

My Vampire Clan

My avatar on this site is the clan symbol from the World of Darkeness Vampire game for a bloodline of vampires called Malkavians. Malkavians are in short crazy. They are all cursed (or blessed in some of their eyes) to carry some sort of pychosis for eternity. When I was first introduced to the game I thought the clan was stupid and dismissed it prefering to play an emo, tortured soul, artistic Toreador. Think Edward from Twilight, yeah I was young. But after my father died when I was 19 and my world went side ways, I ended up heavily medicated and in therapy. There was more to it than just my father's death but it was what finally brought me up short and made me look into myself. And as a result of rebuilding my sanity I began to understand why people played Malkavians. I learned to use the game and the clan to help me work through my issues, to own my depression and to open myself up to who I was. Over the years I have played in many a game and story told a few and I have always brought in this clan to show people things that "sane" people might prefer not to see, to tell my story without actually putting myself out there. Several years ago a friend bestowed upon me the title the Goddess of Madness because I "knew more than I should about the crazy side of life" I wear that title with pride and I keep it up in front of me to remind me of the times when crazy was my bedfellow.

Mama's Girls Need a New Home

I'm sitting on the couch...I'm supposed to be napping and trying to anilhate this chest cold but I digress. Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch in my yoga pants and bra... and gods I hate the sight of this worn out, ill fitting garment that is supposed to be making my girls more attractive. My mother very rarely bought new bras, in fact my mother very rarely bought new anything until she absolutely had to. I understand as a child of post-war Europe where her behavior stems from. But why do I choose to follow this same behavior I have no clue. And what makes it stranger is I will drop a stupid amount of cash on a purse and occasionally shoes but not bras. I have a drawerful of these sad, sad garments that in no way fit or flatter. And then when I do break down and go shopping I end up buying the cheapest thing I can find. It's as though I have an unconcious vendetta against my boobs. I feel I need to apologize to them.

T-Shirt Slogans

From time to time my partner and I get into conversations that leave both of us laughing so hard we actually scare the baby. The latest ended with this gem that I would love to get a on a shirt for him, "Not a misogynist, just an asshole"

Living in Fear

I live in fear of my soon-to-be-ex-husband. He never laid a hand on me in all our years together. But he had a terrible temper... especially when he wasn't getting his pot regularly. I ended up enabling the habit because he was easier to deal with when he was stoned. You can see why I left. I also left because he always acted like our daughter was an inconviniance. He told me he was jealous of the attention I gave her. Yes this is normal, but it persisted until I left when she was 3. He comes from a family with money. They pay to get him out of all his "situations" , I'm pretty sure they are paying for his lawyer. And did I mention he is unemployed (again) yet still talking a vacation before Christmas? He always wanted things his way and I got to the point I would agree and now I find myself doing it again just so he will sign the divorce papers. Goddess give me a back bone.

Welcome to the Sandbox

I belong to several Yahoo Womens Groups. They are an interesting place and even though we're all out of high school, they semi-regularly devolve into nasty little spats. Because of this I created my own group and invited a few people over from the other groups. I wanted a group with people who weren't easily offended and who I didn't have to censor myself in front of. Where I could be a cunt and a bitch and not feel judged. Well, one woman left recently on bad terms with some of the other members. I respected her decision and frankly it made it easier on me to not have to play referee as the group owner. Only now I think said woman has told some of the women I did not invite to my sandbox. What bothers me about this is the fact I was not being intentionally exclusionary, I invited the people who were more into my interests in an effort to make them feel safer because many of them had been lambasted at some point or another for their beliefs or lifestyles. I don't agree with them on everything, and they know this but we seem to be able to get along. What makes it even more maddening is when I first created the group I respected the woman who quit when she asked I not invite a certain person. I was trusting to her judgement and it ended up causing hurt feelings, though thankfully those have been talked past. But the people who I'm possibly hurting now? They are friends, I love talking to them but in a completely different context. No matter what I do I will upset people. I just hope they will come to understand that is not my intention.

Wounded

These are lyrics to a Good Charlotte song called Wounded. Yes, these guys are a guilty pleasure of mine as they are so emo it hurts. However these lyrics have always resonated with me. This past week I've lost trust in a dear friend and I'm feeling wounded again and I don't like it. My partner has been watching this and as always he's helping me to heal my wounds even though it is not his fault.

Lost and broken,
Hopeless and lonely.
Smiling on the outside,
and hurt beneath my skin.

My eyes are fading,
My soul is bleeding.
I'll try to make it seem okay,
But my faith is wearing thin.

So help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them up.

I only wanted a magazine,
I only wanted a movie screen,
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed.
And now my mind is an open book,
And now my heart is an open wound,
And now my life is an open soul for all to see.

But help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open and I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me,
So you come along,
I push you away,
Then kick and scream for you to stay.
Cuz I need someone to help me,
Oh I need someone to help me,
To help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them,
I need someone to help me fill them,
I need someone to help me close them up.