Technically a Mommy Blogger

So I guess I'm technically a mommy blogger... though considering I have a following of 1, I'm actually just talking to myself most of the time. I want to write, but the question is who am I writing for? Most "mommy" types would be horrified by me and my life... heck I'm not even a mommy, I'm a mummy. (Long story of British upbringing that would have you face down snoring on the keyboard before I got to the second sentence) I loathe the whole eco-mom superiority complex, and though I do try to be eco minded. I find the helicopter parenting of my 5 year old daughter's classmates horrifying. I mean I'm the mum who lets her face plant off the climbling structure and tells her to "walk it off". I make her do her own class projects rather than producing the wicked master pieces I see in her class that I will boldly tell you were done by no five year old I ever met, unless you know 5 year olds who can mix plaster of paris to the right consistancy and not poison themselves in the process. See? I'm a cynical lady who volunteers just the right amount of time at school not to get in trouble with school council, because the other mothers scare me. I know most of the "Super Mommy" routine is smoke and mirrors and they are flying by the seat of their pants as much as I am but find it too much work to do my own song and dance routine.

My Vampire Clan

My avatar on this site is the clan symbol from the World of Darkeness Vampire game for a bloodline of vampires called Malkavians. Malkavians are in short crazy. They are all cursed (or blessed in some of their eyes) to carry some sort of pychosis for eternity. When I was first introduced to the game I thought the clan was stupid and dismissed it prefering to play an emo, tortured soul, artistic Toreador. Think Edward from Twilight, yeah I was young. But after my father died when I was 19 and my world went side ways, I ended up heavily medicated and in therapy. There was more to it than just my father's death but it was what finally brought me up short and made me look into myself. And as a result of rebuilding my sanity I began to understand why people played Malkavians. I learned to use the game and the clan to help me work through my issues, to own my depression and to open myself up to who I was. Over the years I have played in many a game and story told a few and I have always brought in this clan to show people things that "sane" people might prefer not to see, to tell my story without actually putting myself out there. Several years ago a friend bestowed upon me the title the Goddess of Madness because I "knew more than I should about the crazy side of life" I wear that title with pride and I keep it up in front of me to remind me of the times when crazy was my bedfellow.

Mama's Girls Need a New Home

I'm sitting on the couch...I'm supposed to be napping and trying to anilhate this chest cold but I digress. Anyway, I'm sitting on the couch in my yoga pants and bra... and gods I hate the sight of this worn out, ill fitting garment that is supposed to be making my girls more attractive. My mother very rarely bought new bras, in fact my mother very rarely bought new anything until she absolutely had to. I understand as a child of post-war Europe where her behavior stems from. But why do I choose to follow this same behavior I have no clue. And what makes it stranger is I will drop a stupid amount of cash on a purse and occasionally shoes but not bras. I have a drawerful of these sad, sad garments that in no way fit or flatter. And then when I do break down and go shopping I end up buying the cheapest thing I can find. It's as though I have an unconcious vendetta against my boobs. I feel I need to apologize to them.

T-Shirt Slogans

From time to time my partner and I get into conversations that leave both of us laughing so hard we actually scare the baby. The latest ended with this gem that I would love to get a on a shirt for him, "Not a misogynist, just an asshole"

Living in Fear

I live in fear of my soon-to-be-ex-husband. He never laid a hand on me in all our years together. But he had a terrible temper... especially when he wasn't getting his pot regularly. I ended up enabling the habit because he was easier to deal with when he was stoned. You can see why I left. I also left because he always acted like our daughter was an inconviniance. He told me he was jealous of the attention I gave her. Yes this is normal, but it persisted until I left when she was 3. He comes from a family with money. They pay to get him out of all his "situations" , I'm pretty sure they are paying for his lawyer. And did I mention he is unemployed (again) yet still talking a vacation before Christmas? He always wanted things his way and I got to the point I would agree and now I find myself doing it again just so he will sign the divorce papers. Goddess give me a back bone.

Welcome to the Sandbox

I belong to several Yahoo Womens Groups. They are an interesting place and even though we're all out of high school, they semi-regularly devolve into nasty little spats. Because of this I created my own group and invited a few people over from the other groups. I wanted a group with people who weren't easily offended and who I didn't have to censor myself in front of. Where I could be a cunt and a bitch and not feel judged. Well, one woman left recently on bad terms with some of the other members. I respected her decision and frankly it made it easier on me to not have to play referee as the group owner. Only now I think said woman has told some of the women I did not invite to my sandbox. What bothers me about this is the fact I was not being intentionally exclusionary, I invited the people who were more into my interests in an effort to make them feel safer because many of them had been lambasted at some point or another for their beliefs or lifestyles. I don't agree with them on everything, and they know this but we seem to be able to get along. What makes it even more maddening is when I first created the group I respected the woman who quit when she asked I not invite a certain person. I was trusting to her judgement and it ended up causing hurt feelings, though thankfully those have been talked past. But the people who I'm possibly hurting now? They are friends, I love talking to them but in a completely different context. No matter what I do I will upset people. I just hope they will come to understand that is not my intention.

Wounded

These are lyrics to a Good Charlotte song called Wounded. Yes, these guys are a guilty pleasure of mine as they are so emo it hurts. However these lyrics have always resonated with me. This past week I've lost trust in a dear friend and I'm feeling wounded again and I don't like it. My partner has been watching this and as always he's helping me to heal my wounds even though it is not his fault.

Lost and broken,
Hopeless and lonely.
Smiling on the outside,
and hurt beneath my skin.

My eyes are fading,
My soul is bleeding.
I'll try to make it seem okay,
But my faith is wearing thin.

So help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them up.

I only wanted a magazine,
I only wanted a movie screen,
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed.
And now my mind is an open book,
And now my heart is an open wound,
And now my life is an open soul for all to see.

But help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open and I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me,
So you come along,
I push you away,
Then kick and scream for you to stay.
Cuz I need someone to help me,
Oh I need someone to help me,
To help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them,
I need someone to help me fill them,
I need someone to help me close them up.

Photo Project Part Deux

So the second year of the photo project I worked on last year is up and running. Envisage is the much cherished project of Sarah a lovely lady who I met via the first year of the project. I now socialize with quite a number of these ladies on-line and I am honoured to know them all. The project got off to a wee bit of a rocky start due to a former contributor who had stepped up to help Sarah. She was allowing her teenage daughters to participate... great, fine, cool, we can see the world through the eyes of some younger women. But sadly the woman in question decided that meant we needed to consider if the pictures we were going to submit were appropriate. Yeah well it raised the hackles of A LOT of us. But we got clarification that she was only concerned about explicit content. Which still caused a lot of us to chafe and get out of sorts. I mean seriously if you don't want your daughters seeing something don't give them permission to work on an adult project. The long and the short of it is some of us decided to submit pictures of our "toys". Some were poking fun at the woman, others had no idea and just submitted them and then there was me who was actually trying to get a rise out of a completely different woman who had told me sex toys were disgusting. I know I'm terribly mature. And then the "penis" picture was posted. The end result of this provocative image was the mother and contributor went postal. She even sent an email asking the darling Vixen to take down the photo and that Sarah agreed. Sarah believes in free speech and no censorship, do we really think Sarah agreed? After an afternoon of drama the woman quit and took her daughters with her. I'm sad as she was fun and her daughters were taking so phenomenal shots. But I'm glad as now we can take our photos of life as it is for us with out questioning.

I'm alive... no really...

So my delivery of my second daughter wasn't exactly picturesque as you can see. The head cold I was battling for three weeks decided to grow into a big bad case of pneumonia. Long story short they thought I had H1N1 and I was forced by my body to have another c-section, which led to me being bagged and isolated in ICU for 4 days. Nothing says panic and suck like waking up with out your baby, tied to your bed with a tube stuck down your throat.

I am now at the six week mark and am MUCH MUCH better. My newest daughter who doesn't have a nickname yet is a joy and The Starlet has started kindergarten. Oh and lost a tooth... DEAR GODS WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?! So now I'm more active and more with it I will be trying very hard to update more often... no really...

Bad Parent Alert Here

So there has been some controversy lately in the province I currently call home. It surrounds our Finance Minister making these comments about her children "They've understood perfectly well that when you're raising children, you don't both go off to work and leave them for somebody else to raise," Evans said. "This is not a statement against daycare. It's a statement about their belief in the importance of raising children properly."

I like an idiot, typed before thinking on my dear friend Karl's blog White Noise after having posted about my extravegant purchase of a Trophy Queen Diaper bag. I bought said bag with gift/bonus money on sale... not full price. That aside I answered the Anonymous commenter who claimed it was only people who weren't willing to make sacrifices that had an issue with the Finance Minister's comments, without thinking and I got spanked for it by said Anonymous commenter. (Incidently Anonymous commenters piss me off royal, have the guts to own your comments people)

I have savings, I could stay home if we didn't want a bigger house for the approaching baby. We live in a 2 bedroom condo that is currently underwater mortgage wise because of the housing market crash. Sure we could stay here, but I want something better for my daughters... say like a yard for them to play in. I live in one of the more exspensive Canadian cities, I would love to move somewhere smaller but my career and my partner's career don't lend themselves to small towns as they don't tend to need IT support people and software programmers. Besides the fact my oldest daughter's father lives here and I can't just whisk her away from her father. And I have budgeted and bought all my baby items used or on sale.

I shouldn't have to justifiy myself, but people like our Finance Minister make me feel I have to. Besides which? I'm not SAHM material. I like adult interaction. Even if I were to stay at home, Mommy Groups and play dates aren't enough for me. I would have to do something part-time, my writing, consulting, something. And I don't think this makes me a bad parent. The Starlet is well loved, well cared for, she is smart, has great manners and knows her parents will drop everything for her when needed. I don't think she is "lacking" because I work outside the home. Her daycare teachers say she is a joy and one of their best helpers, and empathetic to her peers. It takes a whole community to raise a child doesn't it?

Divine Bags

Trophy Queen is another of my weaknesses. These bags are delicious. Vintage style car vinyl in fabulous colours to make awesome, near indestructible purses. I have a smaller purse and treated myself to a fabulous diaper bag in red with a black racking stripe. They are all lined in leopard print and seriously are great bags to have. And did I mention they do custom orders? In Calgary you can get them at Blame Betty and can do your custom order through them too!

Doing More

As my due date with the fabulous Miss gets closer I am re-examining myself. When the Starlet was born I lost myself for a while... I mean seriously what mother doesn't? For me it was more so than some women because of the complete disconnect from my ex. Most new fathers experience issues with having a new baby, I mean hell I was having issues with having a new baby! But he pulled away and would actually say he was jealous and "You love the baby more." I hardly saw him for her first 3 months of life he was out partying so much... while unemployed... yeah I picked a winner apparently. So The Starlet became my life, being everything to her became what I was. And I'll be honest bad move. Being a Mummy is truly amazing but being a Mummy to the exclusion of all else to block out the fact the rest of your life is in shambles? Yeah, not so smart. So where does this ramble take me?

I'm making a promise to myself to update here once a week... once a week I will come here and either rant, rave or just bore you whoever you are to tears... But I will take this small space in the grand space that is the internet and sing my song.

My New Obsession

These beautiful dolls from Bamboletta are my latest obsession. I got one for The Starlet for her birthday and she adores her. I wasn't expecting the reaction of pure joy The Starlet had to this doll. Heck I wasn't expecting my reaction. They are all natural dolls in the Waldorf style. Their outfits are hand made and they are amazing in the little details. Christine creator and head of the mama brigade who makes these darlings is a sweet and amazing lady who had put up with my incessant questions and even offered to send me extra shoes when I enquired about purchasing extras for the doll I got for my daughter. I'm now hoping my next daughter will be responsible at an early age so I can get her one too!

And Here We Are

Tomorrow my daughter will turn 5. I'm sitting here with my second daughter still inside me and I'm being a silly twit and getting weepy for the baby my first daughter was. I get glimers of the woman my Starlet will be and while I swell with pride my heart screams "STOP GROWING UP!"

But in all honesty despite the ups and downs of my separation and divorce, she is proving to be a wonderful little person. She is considerate and funny. She assimilates knowledge I don't even realize she's picking up. She is telling me how she will be an excellent big sister to her soon to be half sister. In short despite the pangs of regret at the baby that is slipping away I am proud of the person she is becoming.

Happy Birthday Starlet. I love you to the moon and back.

New Artist Love

Laurie B! is a fabulous artist I discovered at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo

I ended up buying the print of Batgirl you see here, plus four more of Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. I posted to her site to get her email because I want to buy more... She had Smurfette, Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite too... and Zatana and Buffy and Hermione and... You get the point I WANT THEM ALL!

When I was young

I belong to a fabulous "womens" group online. I look forward every morning to logging into my email and seeing what we are discussing. For the most part since the lady mentioned in a previous post was removed from the group it's been fun and interesting. But the last few days have been a bit of a trial. When ever hot button topics are discussed you must expect some temper to flair. So when abortion of a mid-term baby was raised it's hardly surprising that the usual camps set up. For the most part though we had a pretty reasonable discussion.

There is a girl, and yes I use the term girl because she is 20 and her speech and habits have left me to view her as such. She has suffered great tragedy in her young life losing one baby to miscarriage and two late in her pregnancys. There are more details I won't go into that leave me shaking my head in sympathy and in confusion with her. She refuses to get therapy for these losses and that is her right but you can feel the pain in the words she writes. You can feel her rage. And you can see the youth in her in the lack of thought that sometimes goes into her statements. You can't have a large group of women as diverse as we are and not have someone who has not had an abortion. I admit here and you can flail me all you want that I had one, 7 weeks into the pregnancy. I can also state I regret it everyday but will never be anything but pro-choice. Late term abortion horrifies me, but it is a woman's right I can't dispute that.

The girl in question did not know this about me and made the statement if she knew someone had an abortion she could not enter into a friendship with them, but if she knew them and then found out she would probably remain their friend. And I admit I responded without thought. I found her statement repugnant even though she is entitled to how she feels. So I responded that "Well I guess we can't be friends" Childish, petty and vengeful of me. The situation devolved further as other ladies who oppose abortion compared it to not wanting to become friends with someone if you knew they were an abuser of animals or a child molester. I read these with resignation and thought "Well gee thanks for that, glad to know where you think I stand in the world according to you" I also tried to understand it from their point of view and just let it go.

Yeah it got worse.

I said as much in group, but another lady came to my defense and suddenly the girl was raging about the babies she has lost. The lady who defended me had also lost a late term child but is also staunchly pro-choice. The rage from the girl lashed out in the unfortunate form of her saying the lady's grief was less than hers because she had lost only one child not 3. The lady questioned this and dear gods it got ugly. But in all of it I kept looking at the girl and seeing myself in my late teens and early twenties, my conviction in my beliefs and the complete disregard to the feelings or thoughts of others. The inability to see beyond myself and what was wrong in my world. And I'm not mad at her I just wish I could make her see.

Vavoom

This is another fabulous addition to any toy box. Feeling a little less than interested? Put on a little of this wonder cream and YOWZA! I recommend this before a romantic dinner or while watching a movie. It's safe it's relatively inexspensive and well... *goes to find the toy box*

Small Packaging

My all time favourite toy. Seriously this little bad boy has 5 settings, the first three have 10 levels of intensity the 4 is great and 5? 5 is the glorious, fabulous ROLLER COASTER. It's really good if you have a man intimidated by toys because it's small. And trust me they learn to love it QUICKY.

Judge Not Lest You Be Judged

Or how to try and not kill the religious wing-nut in your online Mommy group.

I recently joined thirty something moms group on invitation from one of the ladies from the photo blog I'm on. I thought "Hey this should be fun! Mum's from different countries and back grounds, we can learn from each other!"

Someone hand me the dunce cap and send me to my corner. I am an idiot. There is one member of this group I'll call Bessy. Bessy is a devout Christian from some where in the midwestern United States. Bessy has some strongly held opinions about sex.

Ok lets be frank here I am a very sexual person. I have a freaking tool box full of "toys". The Man in my life is as adventerous as they come. We enjoy sex. We enjoy playing. We do stuff that I'm sure some would classifiy as "kinky".

I had no issue with the fact that this woman was uncomfortable with this topic, it was how she expressed this discomfort that left me gobsmacked. She would call things dirty or slutty to her but was swearing she didn't think that about us, though her wording was steering in that direction. She would ask for clarification on items and then would say our answers made her physically ill. She even admitted to eating a whole pizza because the conversation had stressed her out so much and then said she purged it because she knew it was too much food. And she thinks we're all laughing at her.

Seriously, I'm not laughing, I am crying that this woman in her 30's is so wounded, so twisted in her view of the world. I want to shake her and say, your God loves you no matter what and your church has no right to make you feel the shame of joy in sex that isn't in missionary position.

Where do we go from here?

This isn't where we intended to be....

When I started this blog I was hoping to do something like my friend Karl's blog. Fun, quirky informative. Let's be honest though, I'm a working Mum with the energy at the end of the day of belly button lint. I've been reading Dawn of True Wife Confessions personal blog, and it made me realize, ok I've not got a hope in hell of being an informative blogger like Karl, but maybe just maybe I can be a witty and deceptively simple blogger like Dawn. Because what she does isn't easy. It's one thing to to go balls out like she does, it's quite another to pull it off with panache and style as she does. So let's see where this new direction takes us shall we?